10 things I learned after 10 years of marriage

Salaamz!

So it’s November Allhumdullillah..the month of my Wedding Anniversary!  This year is our big 1-0! Can you believe it?? I can’t! Lol..the fact that I can’t believe it offends my husband. “Did you not think we would make it this far?” He asked me all startled.

It’s not that..I just can’t believe that I’ve been married for a decade Allhumdullillah.

As I’m getting ready to celebrate 10 years of marriage, I can’t help but remember the four other couples that didn’t make it. Within my social circle there were 7 couples getting married around the same time. Today 4 of them are divorced. In fact, two marriages broke down within the first four months.
Being a paranoid worry wart to begin with, I couldn’t help but be effected by the marriages crumbling around us.
Were we next? Could their divorces have been avoided? Or was this simply another example of bad things happening to good people?
The breakdown of their marriages propelled me to find ways to protect mine. So began the never ending quest to uncover the secret to staying happily married.
I started casually asking women who had been married for twenty, thirty plus years about what they thought was the secret to staying married. I avidly read articles on studies citing the factors that all successful marriages had in common and I turned to Islamic teachings on the matter.
There’s some advice I wish I had known before getting married but I’m still grateful that I learned it even if it was the hard way.
As my younger cousins started getting married, I found myself unloading a ton of Do’s and Don’ts about how to: have a happy marriage , be a good wife , deal with conflict and get along with the in-laws.

 

In honour of our 10 year anniversary, I am going to dedicate this month to posts on marriage and relationships.

To kick off this blog series, I am starting off with 10 things I learned after 10 years of marriage. I’m by no means a relationship expert, but Allhumdullillah we’re doing alright (yes, I noticed that  I’ve used the word Allhumdullillah over and over again..I tend to do that when I don’t want something to get jinxed or ‘nazared’/evil eyed).

 

I’ll be posting two to three points in every post from my 10 things I leaned from 10 years of marriage list.

Whether you are about to get married or have been married for decades, I pray you find my list beneficial to improving your marriage.

 

 

10 things I learned in 10 years of Marriage

  1. Islamic Quotes About Love (11)(image from islam44.net)

    Islamic Quotes About Love (11)(image from islam44.net)

    Your faith is your responsibility. It’s important to marry a pious, God conscious spouse; but consider him/her as someone who will help make your life more conducive to the straight path but not the reason you will enter into Jannah. Think of your spouse like a study buddy- not a cheat sheet. Just remember, in the end you have to take the exam all by yourself. I’ve seen many people become better Muslims because they were inspired by their spouses faith and habits. Unfortunately the opposite is true as well. The moment  you put the onus of responsibility on someone else to ‘make you a better person’ you are setting yourself up for failure. Those quotes all over the internet about searching for  spouse who will wake you up for fajr, are endearing but send the wrong message. You need to wake yourself up.

2.Fight Fair: Sometimes the wife one spouse has a sharper tongue or quicker comebacks during an argument, which results in him/her always ‘winning’ Just because you’re better in verbal combat, rendering your opponent speechless, doesn’t mean you’re right. Don’t oppress your spouse, we all know that Allah takes revenge on behalf of the oppressed -you don’t want to deal with that! One of the best marriage advice I came across was the fact that there’s three members in every marriage: you, your spouse and Allah.Always remember that Allah is The Most Just and The Ever Watchful. Just because your spouse doesn’t stand up for him/herself or stop you from transgressing on his/her rights doesn’t mean Allah won’t take you to account for it.

 

3.

  1. tactful-burger conflict resolution

    tactful-burger conflict resolution

    Tact is everything.Tact; the art of avoiding conflict. Countless fights could have been avoided and relationships saved, had tact been used. The way you say something, the words you choose and your tone essentially conveys the message. Shaikh Alaa el Sayed has a burger theory which is brilliant. Think of the buns like compliments and positive words, the meat patty as the issue on hand. Whatever your issue is, start off by saying something positive about your spouse , bring up the problem/issue and end with something positive again. This method of communicating prevents the recipient from becoming defensive and makes him/her more likely to actually listen to your message. This technique has never let me down Allhumdullillah.

    Example: You want your spouse to stop yelling at the kids.

Bun: Masha’Allah you’re such a loving parent. Our kids are lucky to have you as a father.

Meat: It can be frustrating getting them to cooperate, but we gotta find a way to get through to them. Yelling at them only makes them anxious and unable to process what the message you’re trying to convey.

Bun: I love how you always have their well being and best interest in mind. Insha’Allah using tactics that children respond to, will make your parenting more effective.

Depending on your communication style, my example could sound very formal and condescending….don’t do that! Use your regular manner of speaking, just inject it with the tactful burger technique.

That’s all for today. Get in the driver seat of your faith, control your tongue and choose your words wisely.

Stay tuned for more tips!

How many  years have you been married? What are some marriage tips or rules you abide by to keep your marriage strong?

Chai later,

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15 Comments on 10 things I learned after 10 years of marriage

  1. Aasiya
    November 5, 2015 at 12:32 pm (2 years ago)

    aww mashallah mabrook on 10 years! We’re going on twelve next year and I think Im still constantly learning. Alhamdulilah for healthy loving marriages.. may Allah protect and bless us all, Ameen. <3

    Reply
    • Sahar
      November 7, 2015 at 8:38 am (2 years ago)

      Ameen.
      Aww Jazak Allahu khairun Aasiya and welcome to my blog!
      12 years?! Masha’Allah. May Allah SWT bless your marriage and make you a coolness to each others eyes. Ameen.
      Yes, knowing that there’s so much more to learn about relationships seems to be the key to a successful marriage.

      Reply
  2. Mohammad Z
    November 5, 2015 at 6:00 pm (2 years ago)

    Congrats on 10 years. Alhamduliah.

    As a single person I really benefit from articles like these – learning from experience of others. The burger example was awesome 🙂

    A question on tip #2. That’s excellent advice for the one who is at fault but what about the oppressed person in that case? How should that spouse handle a scenario like that?

    Reply
    • Sahar
      November 7, 2015 at 8:31 am (2 years ago)

      Mohammad Z! Where have you been??
      Aww, thank you so much!
      Good question! I think that though some of us may want to avoid conflict or not have the confidence to stand up for ourselves, the best motivation to change our situation is to imagine someone oppressing our children that way. If you find the thought of someone hurting your child gut-wrenching, then find a way to improve your situation. Your children learn everything from you, including self respect and self worth. In order to teach your child that it’s not okay for someone to treat him/her poorly, you must become an example of self respect and courage no matter what.

      Reply
  3. Amina
    November 5, 2015 at 6:03 pm (2 years ago)

    Great advice, mashallah.
    Can’t wait to read more!👍

    Reply
    • Sahar
      November 7, 2015 at 8:18 am (2 years ago)

      Salaamz Amina
      thank you so much!
      Do you have any marriage advice you’d like to share?

      Reply
  4. Kulz
    November 5, 2015 at 7:24 pm (2 years ago)

    I’m really excited about this series! I just tried to use the tact skill.. But it sounded condescending.. And then I read your warning!! Whoops!

    Reply
    • Sahar
      November 7, 2015 at 8:17 am (2 years ago)

      Thanx Kulz!
      lol, noooo did the tactful burger backfire on you?

      Reply
  5. Zakiyya
    November 5, 2015 at 10:10 pm (2 years ago)

    Great article. Going on 15 years. I think also maybe to reinvent and work hard at it. And communication and trust are key ingredients.

    Reply
    • Sahar
      November 7, 2015 at 8:16 am (2 years ago)

      Thank you Zakiyya! Welcome to my blog.
      15 years!! Masha’Allah! May Allah SWT bless your marriage and make the two of you a coolness to each others eyes.
      I couldn’t agree more about the communication and stress. I’m very intrigued with your point on reinventing your marriage- could you please tell me more?

      Reply
  6. Mariam
    November 7, 2015 at 2:03 pm (2 years ago)

    I really enjoyed reading.. Looking forward to the next 7 things you learned

    Reply
  7. Maleeha
    November 9, 2015 at 12:28 pm (2 years ago)

    These are aweosome !
    I can’t decide which one I like best. The fight fair advice is so true and the faith advice is specially important. I made my husband read this too and particularly highlighted the last tip. I definitely need the ‘bun’to soften the blow of any criticism.

    Cant wait for more tips!

    Reply
    • Sahar
      November 13, 2015 at 12:40 pm (2 years ago)

      Thanx Maleeha!
      I love it when readers make others read one of my articles…it shows you really enjoyed it.
      yes, the burger is a true relationship saver!
      I will have more tips for you after this weeks Fabulous Friday Insha’Allah

      Reply
  8. Umme Hafsa
    November 11, 2015 at 3:08 pm (2 years ago)

    Congrats on your 10 year anniversary!!! Alhumdulilahh :))

    Reply
    • Sahar
      November 13, 2015 at 12:35 pm (2 years ago)

      Jazak Allahu khairun Umme Hafsa!

      Reply

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